This is a Man's World... Stanford's Story

But it wouldn't be nothing...nothing without a woman or a girl. Men have assumed the aggressive role in the male-female relationship since the beginning of time. But it takes a special man who is not afraid to follow his heart and to set his mind on giving the heart what it wants. He must be the sort of man who doesn't give up easily and who doesn't play mind games, and is dedicated to the pursuit of excellence.

One particular example comes to mind with the cave man and his macho possessiveness toward his woman. A cave man would use brute strength to pick her up and toss her over his shoulder and literally carry her away to his own cave dwelling. Now I say that here was a man who knew what he wanted and wasn't shy about going to get it. Not to say that I agree with any man using brute strength for any reason with a woman, but admittedly there is some appeal to the prospect of a man taking on a proactive part in going after and getting his woman. And this can be especially appealing when the man is someone who was tripping your trigger anyway and someone you can imagine a future with. Not so wonderful if the man whose pursuing you is a first class nut job.


Stanford Clayton had had plenty of time to consider the results of his violent actions toward his wife. He had spent time in jail while waiting for his bail to be arranged, and after his release he went home to an empty house, knowing that his wife was still confined to the hospital bed mending from the wounds he had inflicted on her. His children had become estranged because of the drama and the tragedy that had exploded within the family. His employees were reserved (to say the least) in their attitudes toward him and even his own parents had become almost alienated from him.  He could half-way deal with all of this, but the only forgiveness he wanted was from his wife. He had forgiven Helena for her affair, but he had yet to forgive himself for the awful things he had done.

He wandered about the huge house all day in sadness and recrimination. He slept most of the mornings away since sleep eluded him at night; most nights it was two-three in the mornings when he would finally fall into a fitful sleep that was haunted by the images of Helena bruised and battered and sobbing and screaming. When he wasn't having what passed for sleep and he was awake he was plagued by images of her and Griffin McCoy...her wrapped in his arms and his hands all over her.

Several times Stanford had become physically ill because he could not shut down his thoughts and his mind had become a battlefield of dark and sickening places that even the daylight hours could hardly chase away. He absolutely had to do something to turn all of this around. But, he was forbidden by law to visit the hospital. He could not call her. He had managed to get his daughter to listen to him for five minutes during which he begged her to please tell Helena how sorry he was and to please forgive him. She had reluctantly agreed to pass along his message, but she did not come back to him with a reply.

He still loved his wife with all that he had. He did not want to lose her, and he wanted desperately to get their old life back. He was more than willing to put his heart and his soul into rebuilding their marriage and reclaiming their love, for he was convinced that with time Helena would admit that she was still in love with him too. He knew that she must have truly felt something for Griffin because he knew his wife's character and she would not have jeopardized her perfect lifestyle for just a few physical encounters. What was the hardest for him to admit to himself was that he had played a major role in her infidelity. He had dropped the ball somewhere along the way, and although he could not excuse her affair, he could understand her reasons for having it.

Stanford vowed to re engineer himself into a better husband if...no; when she came home and they could begin to put back together the broken pieces of the life they shared. As fragile as their bond was now, he would hold onto hope because hope was all he had right now. Never having been a spiritual man, he had just recently discovered that what he truly needed in his life was God; a serious and real relationship with God. It was the one and only way he could fully recover from his own darkness and help his wife out of hers so they could mend their relationship was to let in the light of God's love and forgiveness.

Yes, Stanford was a man on a mission and the sooner he could begin that mission the better. And what better way to start than on his knees.


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Snapshots and Memories

How many of us are still holding on to old photographs of past loves and mementoes from old love affairs and relationships? Probably more of us than we want to admit. I used to have a collection that I kept in a shoebox and a couple of small photo albums with photos of me and an old boyfriend that were at least twenty years old. Why was I holding on to these pictures? Really…as for the small albums with this particular person in them with me I just didn’t know why. I mean, it’s not like we parted on good terms or anything, and there was nothing I could think of that was even remotely pleasant to think about or long for. Finally I did trash them but the real reason why I did will be revealed in the next few paragraphs.

The gentleman that I was involved with next was the one in the shoe box photographs. We had a long term relationship that was extremely exciting for its duration, pleasant to recall, and ended on friendly terms. It took a little longer to rid myself of the shoebox than it did the albums. And by the time we both realized that our time together had run its course, the memories of the things we did together and the fun we had shared had diminished to a fuzzy mist on the horizon of my mind.

The true reason I had tossed the albums was because I had started going through a major change in my life and my lifestyle. I had wanted to become a better person and I desired a deeper spiritual walk with God. I knew that in order to walk upright in his sight I had to be willing to let go of the carnality in my life, and I had to remove all of the reminders of that carnal life. Hence the significance of throwing out the photographs was a symbol of the throwing out of the attachments to my old self.

The soul searching cleansing of the relationship with the shoebox gentleman was a bit more extreme and it took a little longer to complete. Like it took about five years to finish letting go of all the pictures I had accumulated along with some of the gifts. The very first revelation that I had about changing my lifestyle came about four years before I started separating from him physically and mentally. I remember being inspired to give away the stuff he had bought for me over time and when I made up my mind to get rid of it I started out pretty big. My grand gesture of self-discovery and re-engineering began with the give away of a beautiful full length lambskin leather coat. I figured that the bigger the sacrifice the bigger the reward.

Now this was years before I discovered that there are no good works I could ever do to gain a heavenly reward. God does not hand out “great job” or “good work” certificates and stickers for what we call doing good things. We cannot earn his love or his favor…it is freely given through salvation and the redemptive powers of his grace. So, I could have kept the coat and all of the others things I subsequently got rid of and had I known the value of a true relationship with God it wouldn’t have mattered.

Nevertheless, it’s all over now. All of the snapshots are gone and all of the memories have faded into once in a while recollections. Mostly I just think about how different I am now from then and how those experiences taught me valuable life lessons, and that’s what I think about when and if I allow myself to recall any of those years in those relationships.

Growing up can happen at any age and it’s not merely for the progressive ages from birth to adulthood. Life recycles itself and we are constantly learning, reaching and growing and never get too old to benefit from the recycling. As long as I remain in motion and not become stagnant, look forward and not backwards (except for retrospect) and focus on being in the present with a hope for the future I will gain more than we ever lost from the tossing away of old snapshots.

Broken Promises...Broken Vows

The four of us have been as close as sisters for most of our adult lives. We have shared heartbreaks, heartaches, and cried together so many times I would never be able to count. We have shared our family troubles, our individual joys, our collective laughter and overall good times with each other. In other words, we have been down in the valleys and up on the mountain tops holding hands, praying or celebrating and not one single time has any of us had to be alone whether in sorrow or in joy. That is why three of us from our sisterhood are feeling side-swiped, confused and hurt...so very hurt over what we have just discovered about our dear friend Helena Clayton.

We knew about the extramarital affair she had been involved in for a while now. She never did try to hide it from us. She told us about how this man she had met had expressed interest in her and she was going to take him up on his offer to have lunch. After a few causal lunches with him, she admitted to us that he had told her that he wanted to become more intimate and that he was falling in love with her. I guess it could have been sheer excitement, the thrill of an adventure or just a death wish on her part that made her agree to cheat on her husband. She was falling hard for this man named Griffin McCoy.

It certainly was not because she was a neglected wife; real or imagined because anyone who personally knew Stanford Clayton knew of his unwavering devotion and his deep love for his beautiful wife. And he loved her just because she was who she was to him and not because she was an exceptionally beautiful and sexy woman. Now that I take stock of this situation, for the very first time in the history of our friendship, I am beginning to realize that Helena had a whole other side to her personality, and I'd wager that neither Claudette or Bonnie had a clue existed.

Stanford had snapped when he came face to face with the bitter truth about where his wife was spending her afternoons, and recently a couple of entire weekends. He had been duped not only by the woman he was married to...supposedly for life but also by a man he had called friend. True, Helena was really unaware that her husband and her lover knew each other.

 He never let on that he knew Stanford beyond speaking with him when he was at the Audi dealership (of which he was part owner) shopping for Helena's new car that he bought as a surprise birthday gift last year, when in fact he had played golf with this man and had attended several professional basketball games later that year at his invitation. When Stanford and Griffin found out they both had the same favorite NBA team, they became fast friends as a love of sports will do for most men.

Helena suffered several lacerations and bruises, a concussion and a broken arm and collarbone; souvenirs from the violent outburst and subsequent fight between her and Stanford. He has been arrested and is now out on bail pending a court appearance. Their children and grandchildren are devastated, embarrassed and hurt, as well as bewildered. They cannot imagine why their beloved Mother would cheapen herself and stoop to an affair while being married to the most wonderful man on the planet.

And worse they are still trying to wrap their head around the fact that their Father...a man who was always like a solid rock for the family, had never laid a hand on any of them growing up, and rarely raised his voice at anyone could become this angry monster who in a fit of rage nearly killed his wife.

When he realized what he had done, Stanford called 911 and reported the whole thing himself. He didn't resist arrest when the officers took him away. Fortunately for him, his attorney was already at the jailhouse and saw them bring him in, and it was not on a weekend so Stanford was able to arrange bail expeditiously. His attorney and long-time friend called Claudette because he knew that out of the four of us, Claudette and Helena are the closest.

We have been to see our sister in the hospital and have done our best to be cheerful and supportive of her at this time. We still love her no matter what. That's the depth of our friendship for each other, and when she is released she is going to stay with Claudette for a few days until all of this sorry mess can be addressed.
Til death do us part. How many couples repeat these words to each other in sincerity and in what we know at the time to be an unfailing love?

These words are meant to refer to natural causes in the life cycle, or circumstances that are acts of God. How many couples are faced with the realization that sometimes it can come from their own hand or the hand of the one they love? Love is a many resplendent thing but when it takes a wrong turn on an off ramp of lies and deceit it can be a very, very dangerous...thing.