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Monday, April 15, 2013

Walk on By...

She stared down at the book in her lap, unseeing and having her mind going at breakneck speed in twenty different directions. She may as well have been carved out of stone because her body was as rigid and as still as a statue. The page in the book she held had not been turned for a time. Was it only yesterday that this book had held such interest for her? It was picked up and then opened to the bookmarked page all out of an automatic reflex to touch something...do something that would keep her mind from spinning out of control. Speaking out loud to the empty room as she stumbled about...nearly losing her balance trying to find her way in the dark, she was grasping at anything to make her forget if only for a while.

The pain had to be dulled. If it didn't surely she would die. She almost wanted to die. There were still a few Xanax left in the bottle, and if not her script was good for a refill. One refill would do it if it came to that. All of these disconnected and jumbled thoughts vied for attention in her mind as the old throwback soul ballad "Walk On By" sung by Dionne Warwick played on a loop in the background. Unaware that she was doing so, she began a pitiful rendition of the song, singing in an off- key barely above a whisper voice. "If you see me walking down the street...and I start to cry each time we meet...walk on by...walk on by. Foolish pride...that's all I have left so let me hide...the tears and the sadness you gave me when you said goodbye". Empty, unseeing eyes and an invasive cold vise squeezing her bruised heart, stripped of pride...all of them the products of a shattered dream...this was the picture she made.

She did not want to think or to feel any emotions right now. Nothing at all. She willed her mind to become blank and for the most part it was starting to happen, but lingering on the fringes was the bitter regret she felt because of her recent actions. Although the longed for relief of a blanked out mind was welcome to her, she had no doubts about the guilt that was even now festering away at her soul and would come soon enough at her in a full body slam.

It had not gone well between her and him. It was nothing at all the way she had dreamed it would be. For many nights she had lain awake or been awakened from the little sleep she managed to get with thoughts of the two of them spinning around and around in her head. Pushing out any other everyday mundane thoughts until they dominated all logical reasoning and she was drowning in her desire for him. Spiraling down deeper and deeper into a personal hell where she may never climb out of.

This should not have happened. None of this was right; it was all wrong. He'd made promises to her and he'd given her his word that she was the woman for him, and that it didn't matter not one whit to him what others may think or say. He was in love with her. He SAID...he PROMISED!! Oh my God...what am I going to do? A feeble part of her asked this question while almost simultaneously the tiny remaining cognizant corner of her psychosis ridden mind chastised and reminded her that the loving, kind and perfect God she had once served would not be listening to her.

Then, almost as if a high wattage jolt had hit her body, she jerked herself upright, and immediately snapped out of her pathetic reverie. What had suddenly occurred to her was a frightening...yet oddly comforting thought. REVENGE! She convinced herself that she didn't have to take this treatment form any man...didn't have to roll over and play dead like a trained dog. She'd been hurt, scorned, used and left for dead, but oh no! Ain't nobody got time for that! She'd pay him back and she'd do it good...real good.

What are your thoughts and comments? Next week...the Big Reveal and the identity of the characters will be unveiled!! Be sure to come back.

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