Memories...Of The Way We Were

The 2012 Holiday Season is here, and I'm sure that with its approach many of us are anxious about how we will be celebrating them. For great many of us, the memories of happy and carefree holidays past that were celebrated with our loved ones who for some reason or another are no longer with us. Some of these loved ones have gone from us by passing away; while others have moved on to a new life of some sort. Either way; they are no longer a vital part of our lives and for all intents and purposes have left us behind, and all too often their departure has left a huge void that even with the passing of time; has been hard to fill.

Each Thanksgiving Holiday brings back so many treasured memories of being a child growing up in my parents house. The delicious aromas of cooking filled our house, but what I remember most was not just the food aromas, but the house itself had a certain special smell all through it. This was an indescribable fragrance. It was created not only by pine scented decorations or pumpkin pie; I think it was the pure essence of love coupled with the unmistakable sweetness of my Mother that filled the air and made our house a home. My Mother was an excellent cook, and she always laid out a sumptuous spread fit for a king, even though the guests at our table usually consisted of my parents, my younger brother, and our grandparents...maybe an aunt and uncle or two. My Daddy loved the holidays. Absolutely loved them! He would start to stake out a Christmas tree for us right after Halloween was over, and from that time on he was as happy as a child anticipating Christmas.

For Thanksgiving, he would help Momma out in the kitchen by chopping the veggies or the "goodies" as she called them to go into the stuffing and the potato salad. He would joke around with her and tease her so much until finally she had to banish him from her domain in order to get her cooking done. I would be watching the parades on television, reading a magazine or maybe listening to records while they were working in the kitchen and I could hear them talking, laughing, and just loving the closeness they shared simply by being together. She would put him in charge of the turkey from the moment she put the big bird in the oven until it was time to set it on the table as the centerpiece of the Thanksgiving Day meal. There was a certain comfort and a feeling of well-being just knowing that my parents were happy and we were together as a family and most of all that soon I would be eating one of the best meals in the world!!

Both of my precious parents have been gone for a long time...twenty seven and twenty five years as of this year. But although time by the grace of God has healed the wound, and has dulled the pain the void they left can never be filled. Sometimes it seems as if it were only yesterday that I sat at my Mother's table in her warm and cheery kitchen. Sometimes it seems as if I never sat there at all. I am not alone in this experience or this feeling. Anyone who has been orphaned or widowed has felt the enormous pain of loss and has looked at the future ahead of them as bleak and lonely at one time or another. Life as we had known it...has ceased to exist.

I remember my Mother not only at holiday times, but when I'm singing a particular song, or looking at old family photos. I believe that I can still smell her essence when I close my eyes and think hard enough.  When I see her in family photos, I can go back in time mentally and recollect the exact thing she was doing in some of those photos. I can see my Daddy laughing, dancing a little jig when he'd had a little sip or two and see him at the kitchen stove frying bacon for breakfast. I remember him coming home from work tired and dirty from working on automobiles all day. Later when he'd had a job promotion, I recall him as a sales person in a local hardware store...charmingly assisting customers with their purchases. And giving me lunch money on my way to work even after I had become all grown up.

Memories...so many memories! They can comfort, they can make me laugh until I cry, and make me cry until I laugh. I dream of them both quite often. In my dreams they are speaking, but although I can see their faces and discern their features distinctly; I can hardly remember the sound of their voices. But that's okay; they echo off of the walls of my soul and they resound deep in my spirit. Here are the two places where their voices will never be without sound.

I would love to recreate those kind of holidays, but even though I have tried with my own family it just doesn't feel the same. Maybe its because I'm not the same. I'm too different now and too much time has passed with me being on my own. I'm not sure if I'd know how to relate to anyone else at this point in my life. I lose myself in the past sometimes. When I'm anxious, lonesome or feeling blue I go there...back to the little frame house where I spent most of my growing years and I'm safe and taken care of.

I can hear the television with the sound of "Gunsmoke" or "Rawhide" westerns playing and my Daddy is sitting in his easy chair in front of the set, totally immersed in his favorite shows. My Momma is in the kitchen washing dishes and there's cake leftover from dinner sitting on the sideboard. My younger brother is playing with his trains in his room, and I'm sprawled across my bed in my room leafing through an "Archie" comic book. And I remain here until I feel as if its safe to come back to reality, and when I do I feel stronger and more able to accept and to cope. Until its time to go back again.

Memories...of the way we were.

Which Are You?

This is shared information about a detailed description of how a young woman learned a valuable life lesson from her Mother, at a very critical time in her life. I discovered it a few days ago, and liked it so much I am hoping my readers will also. Read on...

A young woman went to her Mother and told her about how hard things were for her and how tough her life was at that time. She did not know how she was going to make it, and she was seriously considering giving up the struggle. She was so tired of fighting from one day to the next ; always solving one problem after the other.

Her Mother took her into the kitchen, and she filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire on the stove. In the first pot she placed some carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the third she placed some ground coffee beans. 

When the pots came to a boil, about twenty minutes later the Mother turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." The daughter replied to her that she saw carrots, eggs and coffee.

Her Mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots noting that they were soft, and next she asked her to take an egg and break it. When she did, she observed the hard boiled egg. Last, she took a sip of the brewed coffee and smiled as she tasted the rich aroma. The daughter asked her Mother what all of this meant.

Her Mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity; boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. But after being in boiling water for a time, it became soft and weak. The egg had been fragile, and after being in boiling water for a time it became hardened inside. Then she explained how the coffee beans were unique. Instead of the water changing them, They changed the water.

"Which are you?" asked the Mother of her daughter.

Which are you? When adversity knocks at your door do you respond as the carrot, the egg or the coffee beans? Strong at first but weakening under adversity like the carrot? How about the egg; going in with a hard shell with a malleable heart but allowing your insides to tighten up? Or, as the coffee beans did ; change the outcome of the very adversity that brought the pain?

Elevating oneself at the very hour of difficult circumstances can take us to a whole new level...which are you?

Modern Day Designing Women

Does that title remind you of the popular 1980"s television show that portrayed four women in business for themselves? Yes, I'm sure it does! During the eighties era, most of us in the fifty something age group were in the middle of our third decade, and so we do have memories of lots of stuff from that time..big hair, leg warmers and leotards, high top sneakers and memorable television shows like Designing Women, Golden Girls, Murder, She Wrote, The Cosby Show and Miami Vice to name a few. But this is not about a walk down memory lane, but I want to talk about those of us women who are designing in an entirely different way; one that concerns the use of the word in not so flattering ways.

Manipulation and control issues are two unattractive traits that plaque us women today. Let's add in headstrong, self centered and tunnel vision and viola; we have quite a mix going on here! Most of us will agree that a positive and outgoing personality is a plus in today's society. We operate our own businesses, we are  CEO's CF O's and CO O's of major corporations, hold high level positions in government and have earned the name"Every Woman".  So, wouldn't it be an advantage to have a strong, healthy and extroverted persona? Of course all those traits are good and have their own uses and they can be  plus factors, but its when they are abused and taken way out of their intended description, and rather than enhance one's personality they are used as weapons. We have taken the Type A personality way out in left field and given it a bad name nowadays. Instead of being an asset it is very often considered a turn-off.

It's perfectly fine to assume the role of aggressive go-getter in today's world. Knowing what you want and how to get it is admirable. But, it is not permissible to club others over the head with our over-aggressiveness and headstrong attitudes. When we become single-minded in pursuit of our goals, or we use others as a means to an end, trust me; when we do it is NOT cool and it is NOT okay to say that "the end justifies the means". No sir, when we attain any amount of success or good fortune from stepping on the toes and riding the backs of others, that success becomes tainted and can lead to no good end.

The same principle can apply to how we regard and treat our friends. Friendship is one of the most important parts of our lives and its contributions to a healthy and prosperous life are many. Friends are the people we call on when we need a physical presence in our lives to comfort, listen to, and yes, even get advice from. Friends should be like family in that they should be loved and respected. How can we respect these special people in our lives when we use them to further our own agendas? When we hide behind a smile that doesn't quite reach our eyes and is totally false? Or, when we take something said out of context, betray a confidence and forget them when we have attained the success we so passionately sought after?

Ladies and gentlemen changes are bound to happen. The world has changed from three decades ago, and I can guarantee that it will be a changed place ten years from now. Change is progressive and necessary amid its uncomfortableness. But there is one thing that should not change no matter how ultra-modern the world becomes, and that's personal integrity and standards of excellence. Every human being should have a personal code of ethics that they live by on a daily basis. This code should always play a front and center role in our dealings with people. And outside of business we should extend that code to family, friends and anyone we meet and deal with. In other words, we can simplify it by saying that "never do behind closed doors what you can't do in front of an open one". Meaning, what really matters is what we do when no one is looking at us and the Golden Rule"Do unto others as we would have them do unto us".

Never use your friends to do anything that you wouldn't do yourself. Don't put them in compromising positions that threaten their own code of ethics. Don't scowl on an innocent friend who wants to help out but doesn't know how, and please don't ever try to bully or intimidate someone into doing your bidding or agreeing with you. Think of giving and not just getting. Self interest designs are faulty and they don't hold up very well under pressure. Severe cracks will develop in the foundation of anything built on this premise, and that self-serving tunnel vision can blind you to what lies ahead around the bend in the road.

Its always best to be fair and square when dealing with people from all walks of life. You will never go wrong when your  blueprints are carefully drawn out and the models you use are common decency, respect, love, admiration and true compassion as your template for a wonderful and enjoyably successful life!

I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can...

Sometimes the world spins out of its orbit, teeters on its axis and everything is out of control. Up is down, down is up, round is square; light becomes dark…well you get my drift. The world and all that comprises it is fragile enough anyway so it is very easy sometimes for me to get turned upside down. Chasing the darkness away and holding onto the light is almost a daily battle; trying to rock steady and hold my course.

I am a very happy, positive and forward thinking person. I rely on my spiritual awareness and maturity to guide me in all that I do. I believe in miracles, the power of healing and in the Almighty God. Yet, there is something that is barely there but is there, and it seems to lie in wait to make an unwelcome appearance; thus altering my world and making it problematic. The triggers are not always the same, but the effects from the invasive thoughts assembled in the frontal lobes of my brain are.

Like I said earlier, I am a perfectly everyday girl. I am practical, intelligent, enlightened and funny. I don’t have nightmares and I pride myself on my ability to remain calm and assured most of the time. So what is up with this entity that hides behind the goodness and tries to manipulate it into something that is not “goodness?” It has no name, no identity and no mercy.

Staying on top of situations, issues, bearing the burdens of others, being counselor and confidant can become overwhelming. It can get out of control and when it does; my life accelerates into warp drive. It becomes a challenge to focus on who needs what from me. And what have I said to whom? Everyone’s voice melts into one loud cacophony, as identities are lost or misplaced. It is comparable to being pushed into the water from a high distance unawares.

How can I keep up with the renegade suckers who insist on bombarding me with their persistent niggling annoyances? Well, what I have learned from some very reliable sources is that these bold, arrogant thought monsters are the very artistic work of the Devil Himself…or what Christians refer to as “The Enemy”. He works the hardest and the most persuasive on those who DON’T belong to him. For those who belong to God, he tries his hardest to convince us that something is wrong in our lives, and that we are not normal and our emotions are questionable.  He wants us to think that since nothing is working out for us anyway, we may as well admit defeat and cross over to his side.

We have to stand firm and on solid ground, fully anchored and grounded in the word of God, relying on his promises and not the deceitful voice of Satan. He’s powerful, but God is ALL POWERFUL. Listen to his voice and not that of Beelzebub. Do not be deceived! Dance as fast as you can to keep moving, keep being proactive by having an active prayer life, and an intimate relationship with God. Don’t become slack or let your guard down…a crack in a door is an invitation for the enemy to just walk right in and make himself at home! And once he’s there…he makes himself right at home in your mind, in your heart and in your soul.

Only an active intimate fellowship with God... that is kept alive by constant prayer and faith based belief will overcome and conquer this enemy. Without this full armor, we are defeated and will be dancing for the enemy. If you don’t know him, learn about him and get to know him. Invite him into your life and then give that life to him. Do it today; do it now…before the music stops.

But Will You Love Me Tomorrow?

"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." I  don't know how much substantiated fact is in that statement, but I can certainly understand the philosophy and the reasoning of it. If I could amend it, I would say" Fools in Love rush in where angels fear to tread". Meaning that sometimes and maybe too many times, we can fall in and out of love with alarming frequency. If that is the case is it really love we are feeling? Or, could it be a confusion of signals being sent to our brain resulting in exaggerated emotions? This kind of instability of emotions can prove to be more harmful to us than good for us.

When I wrote the post "A Clear and Present Danger" last year, I touched on this subject, but this is not a repeat of that post. This is a re-telling of a specific event that of course actually happened to a woman, told from the perspective of what happened to her. I am telling this story as with all of the others I've told, as a life learning tool, and preventive measure for all of our readers. Hopefully, if there is a woman out there who is dealing with this issue, she can find enlightenment and encouragement from this story for her dilemma, and know that God loves her faults and all.

Alexis was an emotional train wreck. She was a classic example of a woman who looked for love in all of the wrong men. Most of them had "loser" stamped on their forehead, but desperation and loneliness blinded her to seeing it. Instead, what she saw was a potential soul mate (even though she wasn't even sure what that meant) and someone to show off to her friends. She saw a man she could boast about as being her boyfriend, and she could show the world"See! I got a man now!". Unfortunately that never happened. Each man that came into her life either never stayed around long enough to meet and greet family and friends, or he was totally against any relationship going public. That opened an entirely new area of dissent.

One potential suitor in particular made his position clear from the git go. He approached their "relationship" with a mind blowing reality. He was not interested in marriage or an attachment that might obligate him beyond his comfort level. Let's call him "Trevor". Trevor was definitely attracted to Alexis, and enjoyed spending time with her, as long as it was confined to her basement family room. Several times she asked him to meet her for drinks somewhere but he always had an excuse not to accept. After they had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, he made his position clear to her. He did not ask her to be his steady girl, or ask her to explore an exclusive relationship with him. He asked her to be his sex buddy.

Now, I ask you ladies (and some guys too)...what could be more humiliating or debasing as this? I mean, to just come out and say this to a decent woman? Alexis asked him what did that mean, and he answered that it meant and he said that they would be there for each other for sex and fun and good times...mostly at her place. But he wanted it to be spontaneous. She didn't have to plan or anything; just if he was in the mood that particular night and there would be no strings attached. No promises made, and no commitment to honor. Whoa!!

Even in her solitary singleness, Alexis knew better than to accept this mess from Trevor or any other man for that matter. She wanted to be loved, honored and respected in her relationship. She did not want this alliance with the devil to invade her mind and her soul. She thought about asking him all kinds of questions and trying to make her position clear, in the hopes that he would change his mind. Something prevented her from doing that. She already knew that it would make no difference to him because inside he was broken...something was wired all wrong and he truly was not worth her time.

Feeling more rejected and defeated than ever, Alexis swore off men for the nth time. She began to think in earnest this time that there must be something wrong with her because no man wanted her. And the two longest lasting relationships she had had since becoming a widow had ended several years ago. She just didn't know what to do. She didn't know how other women far less attractive than she was had steady guys, and she cried many tears, and sat alone many nights with only her misery and self recriminations for company. What Alexis did not know was that there was much work ahead of her...recognizing who was really in charge of her life, giving that life over to the man in charge, and the confession and the repentance that must come so the healing could begin.

It would be a while before she started on that journey, but it was destined to happen. And one day when God's timing was right (and his timing is perfect and indisputable) the man intended for her would come into her life. It would be what she wanted and needed; a man who would compliment her, grow with her and serve God with her. Then there would be no questions, no doubts and no compromising of values. She would not have to lessen her respect and give away her body just to have a man beside her...just to be used as a person of little worth! When God placed his man in her life, and placed her in his life; she would not have to ask the question"But will you love me tomorrow? " That love that they will share will be honest, pure, binding and REAL!

"What's Going On"?

"Mother mother...there's too many of you crying. Father; father; father...there's far too many of you dying. You know we've got to find a way; to bring some lovin here today...". These are the immortal words of the late iconic Marvin Gaye, who recorded this song on a hit album by the same title in the early 1970"s. It immediately became the theme song for a race of people in the United States of America...Black Americans who sought after answers to the hundreds of "whys" plaguing us. 


In a decade that was ripe with extreme racial unrest, political corruption, and the fall out from the Viet Nam war, this song was a fitting mantra. We asked "what's going on?" about racial bias and prejudices, bigotry, violence in the streets and the lack of opportunities for a better way of life among our people. The truly tragic thing about all of this is that some forty-odd years later...we are asking the same question for many of the same reasons.


Sadly, the same biases and prejudices are alive and well. Oh, not as much as before, and not so easily recognized, but as thinly veiled as it may appear...make no mistake...we can see, touch and witness to it. The ugliness has taken on new forms and has morphed into something that is shielded under and by indifference, apathy, and two-faced personalities. It can almost be called a case of "the better to know the devil" because too many times we just don't know who we are facing and where their head is on the above issues. Who can be trusted and who are the mock sympathizers? Not fully referred to as "the enemy" but not actually a friend; thus the phrase "frenemy" can be applied. These are those who straddle the fence and to our faces will agree with the happenings of society as applied to Black Americans, but would they be your tie-breaker in a standoff, or march with you in a protest?


Here's the thing; yes I am thrilled that the violence of the 60's and 70's is behind us. I am equally thrilled that there are no organized protests, no policemen beating us with fire hoses, and clubs. Happy that our children of today can go to school and play with each other...brown and white together. I am eternally grateful to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. for ALL of his efforts to promote racial harmony. 


But, even though we have come so very far and conditions and situations have improved drastically, the underlying hatred for Black Americans remains. No matter how well educated or prosperous we become, we still cannot say we have arrived. Yes, I do believe that part of the problems lie with our own, and many of us (especially our Black males ) have become stereotyped. And no, I don't think that the majority of us a proud race of people are whining about anything. Just as it was then, it is the same now...we want to know what's going on? How do we emerge from that mold?


So, I guess maybe this is one of the timeless questions that while it may have an answer, it has no answers. Yea..that's right and it's deep too. A real conundrum. And it may remain so for many years to come. I hope not. While we have made significant progress let us not be satisfied to let that progress rest on its laurels. We want to always be in a mode of continuous improvement so that the next generation that asks the question "what's going on"? will find a satisfactory solution not just an answer.

Over the Rainbow...

Rainbows are notoriously welcome crowd pleasers.Usually making an appearance right after a rain shower, they are always a welcome and cheerful sight. They are also rare because a rain shower does not guarantee a rainbow will follow, so each time one does appear, it strikes an awesome wonder in us as it stretches and bows its colorful splendor across the sky.

Irish mythology  has it that there is a pot of gold located at the end of a rainbow with a cute and lively Leprechaun guarding it, and only dispensing the gold coins to the most deserving beneficiaries. Many of us as children grew up believing in this tall tale, and two very famous composers wrote a song “Over the Rainbow” in 1939 for the movie “The Wizard of Oz” (Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg) that promised bluebirds could fly so high over the rainbow, and by believing it was possible one human could also.

The real motivation here behind this lovely and timeless song is that if we are willing to believe hard and long and faithfully in what seems impossible, then we can indeed walk across the bridged gap between reality and the stuff dreams are made of. The coming alive of the dream is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

How many of us have stretched our imaginations and dreamed our dreams and rode on the tailwinds of fantasies made entirely realistic by a rainbow? After all the biblical explanation of a rainbow was that God made it and put in the heavens after the flood that destroyed the earth as a sign and a covenant promise from him that the world would never again be destroyed by water (Genesis 9:13-17 KJV).

If we want to make a connection between this and our dreams, we can know that through faith and trust in God we can touch the intangible, see the invisible and believe the impossible. Doesn’t this put a rainbow perspective on things?

My friend and fellow grandmother Claudette Richardson had so many doubts and fears in her life before she looked to the rainbow. When she first started talking about rainbows and how they fit into her life, I must admit I was baffled. I didn’t understand where she was coming from with all of this talk. She obviously was way ahead of me in her belief and value system and what she considered spiritual. After she broke in down to me I was impressed with her steadfastness and her stalwart devotion to the manifestation of miracles and rainbows.

Even though she was physically present here with us, her spirit had already soared “over the rainbow” into a place where she could live in peace, joy and a comfort that can only be received by accepting something supernatural. By supernatural I mean “not able to be done or achieved by man” but only by the wonderfully free and marvelously liberating grace of God! For by living under grace we can truly let go of selfish motives and get off of the merry-go-round of trying to fix our lives and how we react to our circumstances.

Claudette has been an inspiration to her friends and a shining example of what a Christian woman should be. This sis something we all need; a person we can look to as a port in a storm. God gives us these special people in our lives…sometimes for just a season and at other times if we are so blessed…for a lifetime. We will always have our faults and we always fall short of the glory, but with an anchor cast upon a rainbow…we will never go too far adrift in this sea we call LIFE.