U -Turn to an Upgrade

Have you ever just been driving along with the nagging feeling that you're definitely headed in the wrong direction? You realize that nothing about the scenery or the landmarks seem to resemble any of the places you've seen before, yet you continue to plod along getting yourself farther and farther away from familiar territory. Suddenly, it hits you and...whoa! Your brain has signaled you that it's time to slam on the brakes, come to a screeching halt and make a u-turn!

This is an example of a physical experience that can actually happen to us inside of our heads; within the depths of our psyche where all of the important stuff takes place. You see, our thoughts and our intents, our desires and our call center for action are centered within that big mass of squiggly tissue referred to as "gray matter". Gray matter is very real, and it is here that thought processes are triggered and resulting actions are spurred.

Of course, I am using theoretical analysis to make my point for this blog. I am not a doctor or a psychologist. But I do believe that I can use this analogy to illustrate my point even if the example is not 100% accurate. So if any professional medical folks read this; cut me some slack...okay?

Moving on...I was in such a rut. I was like an airplane that taxied and never took off. I was like an astronaut who accidentally got locked out of her spacecraft...lost in space. I was like a run-down watch battery where the hands keep moving back and forth in the same place. Driving along in my mind and traveling the exact same routes over and over that went nowhere. Get the picture?

Then one day it hit me and I slammed on my mental brakes. When I came to a rubber-burning stop, I looked around my mental landscape and took it all in. Nothing seemed recognizable to me. My thoughts and my hopes and my dreams had all undergone a drastic change. In a way it was somewhat frightening because after all; these are the things that made me who I am, and if they have all changed then who am I now? What do I mean? I'm glad you asked that question!

I have always been a BIG dreamer. Dreaming and hoping...hoping and dreaming...my escapism. I have set goals for myself and developed ways to achieve them (well; maybe some of them if not all), and most of all I have taught myself to be grateful and to be happy in the meantime while God works out all of the small details of everything else. But somewhere along the road to fulfillment, my mind took a wrong turn on a side road. It must have happened during a temporary and brief moment when I was feeling a bit down. You see, it can happen precisely in this way. You can take a detour from your purposed road of travel onto some side trail and BOOM! In a second you're in foreign territory and if you continue down this side trail, pretty soon you're out and out LOST!

We have GPS and Navigators on our smart phones and in our car dashboards. Bet you didn't know that there is a GPS for our minds and hearts too. It's not called Global Positioning System but it's called God's Positioning System. It's the word of God! It's the scriptures that teach us, lead us, order us, and guide us. If we get off of our beaten track, they will turn us around and place us in the right direction and get us going again. If we find ourselves lost and afraid, we can turn to our spiritual GPS and voila...we are back on the road again. We are never truly alone as long as we carry God's word with us in our hearts.

So, I quickly made a u-turn and headed back to where I had come from. My GPS lead me back all the way. It was no trouble to find my way back. As I traveled along the road, I began to recognize familiar road signs. Each sign was a scripture verse put there to encourage me on my journey. Each one was a guide and a promise and an assurance from God. And probably one of the most important road signs I saw was the one that said "In this world there will be much tribulation. But; fear not for I have overcome the world".

And most of all what I discovered was a great big free benefit of using my GPS . Along with a lifetime free subscription was a free upgrade. I received this free gift simply by accepting it. Simply by saying "yes, I'll take it and thank you". Just like that I had become instantly improved from my old version that had the doubts and the negative thinking and no peace. Just like that I had been upgraded.

Just like that.

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Friends. Everyone needs them, and they can add so much to a person's life...support, encouragement, love, fun and a shoulder to cry on. Friends can do so much with so little; just by saying "I'm here for you". They can cheer us on when we feel like giving up and they can pull us up when the stuff of life drags us down. We trust them with our spare keys, our garage openers, our children, our secrets and our home security codes.

But sadly, there is too often a darker side to some friendships. Sometimes a person will cross over the line and breach that trust and that unity that we take for granted. Sometimes the reasons are obvious; then again they are obscured from view and from understanding.

The very best of friends have occasion over the course of time to disagree and actually argue about differences of opinions and other things. They have "falling outs" among them. The good news is that more often than not these disagreements are proceeded by a reconciliation with no residual hard feelings and life goes on.

Not so in the case of the "falling out" between two of the Grandmother friends. After all is said and done, one of them will decide not to forgive or forget and will harbor ill feelings that quickly escalate into something ugly and potentially dangerous. One will be the perpetrator and one will be the immediate victim; but the bond of sisterhood that previously existed between all four Grandmothers will have suffer serious fallout.

Will they choose up sides like children in a playground fight? Will this be the beginning of the end of the twenty-five year friendship? Will there much finger-pointing and accusations?

It's a "thin line between love and hate", and that's not only for love affairs gone wrong either. Many believe that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. That indifference can become a deadly accessory when used as an insulator for a cold and uncaring heart.

On the Road to Perdition...The Rescue

Spirituality teaches believers that just before you hit rock bottom, and think that there is no help or alternatives left for you in this life...then a breakthrough is right around the corner. This may well be true, but try convincing a drug- addicted prostitute that it applies to her too. If she hasn't become totally devoid of hope or completely De-sensitized from living a life of decadence and depravity there might be a chance in hell she'll buy it.  She might grab hold to the promise of these few powerful words and start to believe she can be rescued from perdition. And her soul could be saved even if her life has been destroyed.

Miracles still happen in this modern day world. Years later, Myranda Clayton Rice will stand in front of various groups of people and represent a miracle. She will be a living example of the power of salvation and the people who taught her how to live again as a whole, and as a well human being.
Justin Reid found Myranda lying in the doorway of a vacant Salvation Army store in a dangerous and run down part of the city. She was alone and totally zonked out from smoking crack-cocaine.

Her clothes were dirty and torn, and her body reeked of an awful pungent mixture of stale sex, cigarette smoke and plain old body odor. He could smell her from five feet away. She looked like she hadn't bathed in weeks, and at first he thought she was dead. He came closer and without touching her, he could hear her raspy gasps for breath and see the drool running out of her open mouth. His first thought was "pneumonia" if not worse. Under all of the filth and drool Justin could see soft feminine features and a face that had once probably been quite beautiful, but was now ravaged and hard.

Her feet were bare (she'd probably sold her shoes for a fix) and her long hair was a tangled matted mess. But despite this, there was a certain...presence about her. She had a presence and he looked forward to learning her story. Her breath was coming harder and raspier now, and her arms started flailing about almost involuntarily. She needed help and she need it now.

No use in trying to call 911 in this part of town. They would not respond anyway, so Justin pulled out his cell phone and punched in the number to his friend and partner Marcus Sisto. Five years ago, Justin himself had been in almost the same situation as this young woman lying here in this sad and pathetic condition. Marcus Sisto had rescued him. His wife Noelle ( who is lovingly called "Pink" by family and close friends) had taken him in, cleaned him up and gotten him into a comprehensive drug rehabilitation program that had worked.

Whenever he had wanted to give up or turn back to the streets, Pink would show him tough love and sit up with him til all hours of the morning talking and talking and talking...until his urges had subsided and he could once again function within his resolve. Marcus was a retired cop turned advocate turned father image. His gruff manner and street smarts coupled with a strange sort of compassion made him the ideal father figure to other guys like Justin. So many guys and women owed their lives to Marcus and Pink.

He had vowed when he became clean and sober that he would give back. So, it was part of his ritual to make his nightly rounds through this particular part of the city where he would most likely find someone in need. Here there were plenty of dark places to hide, and virtually no chance of being found until perhaps someone might pass by when daylight came. He dropped down on his haunches and looked at the woman closer while he was waiting for Noelle to show up. She'd told him that Marcus was in a counseling session with a potential suicide and that she'd be there as quick as she could get there.

The two of them would take her back to the six bedroom house that was co-owned by the three of them and another partner; Jeremiah Cummings. They provided a clean and safe place to the people they rescued until a place became available in a rehab center. Then, the person would have to enter of their own accord and 90% of the two hundred and thirty-five men and women they'd helped over the past three years did just that. The rest went out on their own thinking they could lick their addictions by themselves, and a small part of that ten percent had relatives or loving and supporting parents who reached out to them.

Because Justin fully believed in the good causes the Sistos and Jeremiah Cummings fought for, he had no compunction about investing his life savings into becoming a full partner with them. Each partner had invested a large portion of private funds, and they had been the beneficiary of a few endowments, but they always managed to keep up the Haven House with comfortable furnishings, plenty of food that Pink prepared all on her own mostly, and medical bill payments for those who needed immediate help.

The woman moaned a few times and screamed out loud. He bent over to her and tried to talk to her...to penetrate through the dense drug-induced fog in her mind. When he tried to touch her, she kicked him and tried to scramble away from him. With a harsh laugh, Justin could recognize these signs...she needed a fix ...bad. When she got up screaming and trying to run away, he actually tackled her to bring her down and he sat on her to keep her still. All the while he was talking to her telling her she'd be okay, she'd make it ; just calm down...calm down...calm down.

Whether there was something in his voice or divine intervention he did not know but grateful that she began to hear and listen to him. By the time Pink and Jeremiah drove up, the woman had become limp in his arms and her screams had subsided to pitiful whimpers. He was rocking her in his arms. He was thinking about how this one seemed different from others, how he felt a strange unexplained tenderness toward her already. He held her close and whispered for her to hold on;  that help had come.

Down the Up Staircase

Within the space of a few minutes; five at the very most...all of the plans, the hard work, the anticipation, the pride in her first major accomplishment vanished. Like the ashes from a slow burning cigarette her dreams went up in smoke. Or like wisps of a fine vapor may be a more accurate description. But any way you sliced it, her world and her state of mind had turned upside down sideways...like it had stopped turning on its circular axis, and stopped on a tilted angle.

Her phone had rang as she started up the staircase, and she answered it with the same upbeat and happy tone of voice that mimicked the way she was already feeling inside. When she got the news, she sat down on the step, and she didn't remember actually ending the call. She only knew that for so long a time she had sat there on the same step where she had sank after receiving the call. Her mind was a blank for a while, and she sat staring at nothing; her eyes focused but not seeing.

The phone call had been from Abigail Vanderberry her bride-to-be. Abigail had informed her in a matter of fact way that there would be no wedding taking place for her. She had called it off in a brief conversation just prior to making the call to Alexis with her now ex-groom Bryce Meyers. The fact that Abigail was so calm and controlled was in itself chilling. She had shown no sadness, no remorse and no ; well...emotion at all. She had simply made the statement that the wedding was off. She did however, answer one question that Alexis had managed to ask her before she became completely stunned, and that question was 'What happened?' to which Abigail had spoken in an almost disembodied voice "because he's dead, and I killed him".

When Alexis heard these words, she came within a hair of passing out completely. Instead, she simply sat there in a semi-catatonic state. Minutes passed and finally, Alexis came back to her senses. Her breathing was shallow, and there was an intense pain behind her eyes that was not only hurting like hell, but was causing her vision to blur.   At last, she tried to stand by bracing her hands on either side of her. She did stand up, but when she started to move she discovered that her limbs were numb from sitting for so long. Holding onto the banister for support, she steadied herself, and took several deep breaths to restore her normal breathing rhythm.

But she couldn't decide whether to go the rest of the way upstairs, or to go back down the staircase.
She stood there hesitating and her cell phone rang again. She looked down at the phone still in her hand as if she held a foreign object in her hand. While she stood hesitating, the ringing stopped before she could even look at the caller ID display. It immediately rang again, but this time she did press the talk button and in doing so, it was like spurning herself into motion. She went back down the staircase as she spoke into her phone. It was one of her best friends on the other end...Claudette Richardson.

Claudette was calling to check on her and to make sure her anxiousness hadn't taken over her and to get all of the last-minute details about the Vanderberry-Meyers shindig. Immediately, Claudette could tell something was terribly off key here. She had to call Alexis' name at least three times before she was sure Alexis was actually there. She held on and listened in silence as she received the update she was calling to receive although it was definitely NOT the content she had expected.

After Alexis had relayed all of the information that Abigail had shared with her, she suddenly remembered something, and spoke it out loud...Oh my God! What should I do? I've just been the recipient of a murder confession; should I call the police? Claude...what should I do?

Stay tuned.

Memories...Of The Way We Were

The 2012 Holiday Season is here, and I'm sure that with its approach many of us are anxious about how we will be celebrating them. For great many of us, the memories of happy and carefree holidays past that were celebrated with our loved ones who for some reason or another are no longer with us. Some of these loved ones have gone from us by passing away; while others have moved on to a new life of some sort. Either way; they are no longer a vital part of our lives and for all intents and purposes have left us behind, and all too often their departure has left a huge void that even with the passing of time; has been hard to fill.

Each Thanksgiving Holiday brings back so many treasured memories of being a child growing up in my parents house. The delicious aromas of cooking filled our house, but what I remember most was not just the food aromas, but the house itself had a certain special smell all through it. This was an indescribable fragrance. It was created not only by pine scented decorations or pumpkin pie; I think it was the pure essence of love coupled with the unmistakable sweetness of my Mother that filled the air and made our house a home. My Mother was an excellent cook, and she always laid out a sumptuous spread fit for a king, even though the guests at our table usually consisted of my parents, my younger brother, and our grandparents...maybe an aunt and uncle or two. My Daddy loved the holidays. Absolutely loved them! He would start to stake out a Christmas tree for us right after Halloween was over, and from that time on he was as happy as a child anticipating Christmas.

For Thanksgiving, he would help Momma out in the kitchen by chopping the veggies or the "goodies" as she called them to go into the stuffing and the potato salad. He would joke around with her and tease her so much until finally she had to banish him from her domain in order to get her cooking done. I would be watching the parades on television, reading a magazine or maybe listening to records while they were working in the kitchen and I could hear them talking, laughing, and just loving the closeness they shared simply by being together. She would put him in charge of the turkey from the moment she put the big bird in the oven until it was time to set it on the table as the centerpiece of the Thanksgiving Day meal. There was a certain comfort and a feeling of well-being just knowing that my parents were happy and we were together as a family and most of all that soon I would be eating one of the best meals in the world!!

Both of my precious parents have been gone for a long time...twenty seven and twenty five years as of this year. But although time by the grace of God has healed the wound, and has dulled the pain the void they left can never be filled. Sometimes it seems as if it were only yesterday that I sat at my Mother's table in her warm and cheery kitchen. Sometimes it seems as if I never sat there at all. I am not alone in this experience or this feeling. Anyone who has been orphaned or widowed has felt the enormous pain of loss and has looked at the future ahead of them as bleak and lonely at one time or another. Life as we had known it...has ceased to exist.

I remember my Mother not only at holiday times, but when I'm singing a particular song, or looking at old family photos. I believe that I can still smell her essence when I close my eyes and think hard enough.  When I see her in family photos, I can go back in time mentally and recollect the exact thing she was doing in some of those photos. I can see my Daddy laughing, dancing a little jig when he'd had a little sip or two and see him at the kitchen stove frying bacon for breakfast. I remember him coming home from work tired and dirty from working on automobiles all day. Later when he'd had a job promotion, I recall him as a sales person in a local hardware store...charmingly assisting customers with their purchases. And giving me lunch money on my way to work even after I had become all grown up.

Memories...so many memories! They can comfort, they can make me laugh until I cry, and make me cry until I laugh. I dream of them both quite often. In my dreams they are speaking, but although I can see their faces and discern their features distinctly; I can hardly remember the sound of their voices. But that's okay; they echo off of the walls of my soul and they resound deep in my spirit. Here are the two places where their voices will never be without sound.

I would love to recreate those kind of holidays, but even though I have tried with my own family it just doesn't feel the same. Maybe its because I'm not the same. I'm too different now and too much time has passed with me being on my own. I'm not sure if I'd know how to relate to anyone else at this point in my life. I lose myself in the past sometimes. When I'm anxious, lonesome or feeling blue I go there...back to the little frame house where I spent most of my growing years and I'm safe and taken care of.

I can hear the television with the sound of "Gunsmoke" or "Rawhide" westerns playing and my Daddy is sitting in his easy chair in front of the set, totally immersed in his favorite shows. My Momma is in the kitchen washing dishes and there's cake leftover from dinner sitting on the sideboard. My younger brother is playing with his trains in his room, and I'm sprawled across my bed in my room leafing through an "Archie" comic book. And I remain here until I feel as if its safe to come back to reality, and when I do I feel stronger and more able to accept and to cope. Until its time to go back again.

Memories...of the way we were.

But Will You Love Me Tomorrow?

"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." I  don't know how much substantiated fact is in that statement, but I can certainly understand the philosophy and the reasoning of it. If I could amend it, I would say" Fools in Love rush in where angels fear to tread". Meaning that sometimes and maybe too many times, we can fall in and out of love with alarming frequency. If that is the case is it really love we are feeling? Or, could it be a confusion of signals being sent to our brain resulting in exaggerated emotions? This kind of instability of emotions can prove to be more harmful to us than good for us.

When I wrote the post "A Clear and Present Danger" last year, I touched on this subject, but this is not a repeat of that post. This is a re-telling of a specific event that of course actually happened to a woman, told from the perspective of what happened to her. I am telling this story as with all of the others I've told, as a life learning tool, and preventive measure for all of our readers. Hopefully, if there is a woman out there who is dealing with this issue, she can find enlightenment and encouragement from this story for her dilemma, and know that God loves her faults and all.

Alexis was an emotional train wreck. She was a classic example of a woman who looked for love in all of the wrong men. Most of them had "loser" stamped on their forehead, but desperation and loneliness blinded her to seeing it. Instead, what she saw was a potential soul mate (even though she wasn't even sure what that meant) and someone to show off to her friends. She saw a man she could boast about as being her boyfriend, and she could show the world"See! I got a man now!". Unfortunately that never happened. Each man that came into her life either never stayed around long enough to meet and greet family and friends, or he was totally against any relationship going public. That opened an entirely new area of dissent.

One potential suitor in particular made his position clear from the git go. He approached their "relationship" with a mind blowing reality. He was not interested in marriage or an attachment that might obligate him beyond his comfort level. Let's call him "Trevor". Trevor was definitely attracted to Alexis, and enjoyed spending time with her, as long as it was confined to her basement family room. Several times she asked him to meet her for drinks somewhere but he always had an excuse not to accept. After they had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, he made his position clear to her. He did not ask her to be his steady girl, or ask her to explore an exclusive relationship with him. He asked her to be his sex buddy.

Now, I ask you ladies (and some guys too)...what could be more humiliating or debasing as this? I mean, to just come out and say this to a decent woman? Alexis asked him what did that mean, and he answered that it meant and he said that they would be there for each other for sex and fun and good times...mostly at her place. But he wanted it to be spontaneous. She didn't have to plan or anything; just if he was in the mood that particular night and there would be no strings attached. No promises made, and no commitment to honor. Whoa!!

Even in her solitary singleness, Alexis knew better than to accept this mess from Trevor or any other man for that matter. She wanted to be loved, honored and respected in her relationship. She did not want this alliance with the devil to invade her mind and her soul. She thought about asking him all kinds of questions and trying to make her position clear, in the hopes that he would change his mind. Something prevented her from doing that. She already knew that it would make no difference to him because inside he was broken...something was wired all wrong and he truly was not worth her time.

Feeling more rejected and defeated than ever, Alexis swore off men for the nth time. She began to think in earnest this time that there must be something wrong with her because no man wanted her. And the two longest lasting relationships she had had since becoming a widow had ended several years ago. She just didn't know what to do. She didn't know how other women far less attractive than she was had steady guys, and she cried many tears, and sat alone many nights with only her misery and self recriminations for company. What Alexis did not know was that there was much work ahead of her...recognizing who was really in charge of her life, giving that life over to the man in charge, and the confession and the repentance that must come so the healing could begin.

It would be a while before she started on that journey, but it was destined to happen. And one day when God's timing was right (and his timing is perfect and indisputable) the man intended for her would come into her life. It would be what she wanted and needed; a man who would compliment her, grow with her and serve God with her. Then there would be no questions, no doubts and no compromising of values. She would not have to lessen her respect and give away her body just to have a man beside her...just to be used as a person of little worth! When God placed his man in her life, and placed her in his life; she would not have to ask the question"But will you love me tomorrow? " That love that they will share will be honest, pure, binding and REAL!