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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Freefall

For more years than I care to count, I have had to chase away the darkness. Always trying to stay one step in front of it, and knowing that it was always there; lurking around every corner and hiding in every shadow of my mind. It was a constant reminder that my mind was fragile. A step or two from the edge. That I would never be able to let down my guard, for to do so would mean certain death.

I've heard that most seemingly sane people with seemingly healthy minds are only a thought away from being able to commit a heinous crime or inflict bodily harm on another person. But for the grace of God, we all go. Grace is a wonderful gift from God and he freely gives it way to us whether we are deserving of it or not. Its part of what makes him God. But in just the same way that we are perpetually close to crossing over an invisible line from sanity to psychological delusional behavior, then we are as easily susceptible to fall from that life sustaining grace.

I'm not entirely clear on the logistics of my crossover. The 'when' and the 'where' remain blurry in my mind, and right now I don't want a synopsis from any well-meaning family or friends, and I certainly don't want to hear any medical mumbo-jumbo from these idiot doctors who think they know me and presume to analyze my thoughts and...motives. Everyone considers me a freak, and want me to claim that I have a 'dual personality' or an alter ego, but why I ask? There is no other identity inside my head. There's only me. I am not crazy. Not anymore.

I was told that I could say I was insane and not responsible for my actions. Okay. Maybe I am a little insane, but I do take responsibility for my bad deeds, so that wouldn't fly...right? I mean I would have tried that defense before what happened when maybe I had planned to do something before I did it, but like I've been trying to explain to these idiots that I hadn't made any previous plans ...its that I seized the moment when it was right.

Nobody knows the real deal but me. Others may assume, presume, or whatever...but only I know what really went down the moment I turned the corner and right now I ain't talking. And no; I may not be too clear on the when and where, but one thing I am clear on is the why. Make no mistake; I know why. 

It was a slow but steady buildup of the small things, you know. Things like being ignored over here, and not included over there that kept piling on across time until a big ball of indifference had formed. That ball grew and grew and its sheer size caused it to roll forward gaining momentum, eventually crushing me like an emotional avalanche.

Because I simply could not take anymore from my friends. I'd had it up to and over my neck. It was mere foolishness on their part to push me. All these years and she didn't have a clue as to who I really was. None of them did. But they all smiled up in my face and hugged on me and pretended to include me in their bourgeois lives.  They said they loved me like a sister. Twenty-five years of lies and deceitfulness and the worst part of it all was the condescension and the two-faced pretense that I had allowed (probably out a desperate need to belong) to blind me to the reality of their toxic minds.

So, I didn't have the financial resources that the others did. I worked every day to make a living. The money I received from my divorce settlement had been used to finance my daughter's college education, both undergrad and post graduate degrees.I put her first and didn't mind going into the bank as the Manager of the Consumer Loans division every stinking day of my life five days a week to sit and listen to why other folks needed to borrow money. And to talk to them about the pathetic details of their pathetic lives.

My friends never asked me much about my work. No, they were too busy discussing their own lives of independent means. I never measured up completely to their standards of suburban  Mac Mansion living excellence, fancy cars and clothing allowances. I lived comfortably and was well dressed and all within my budget. I was able to vacation with them,go on shopping sprees and ladies nights out but they had no clue as to how I managed it. They took for granted I was just like them.

And the men! Always a new man in one of their beds. Men...men...men. And boozing it up going from one place to the other all the time. Hardly ever spending time with family. But they all had their reasons for their lifestyles, and I was determined not to judge until one night when I'd had the realization that I couldn't stand it another day. Somebody was going to pay for making me feel like a charity case. And out of the three of them; it didn't matter who. I was going in and taking no prisoners and let the collateral damage fall where it may.

I didn't have to plot or plan. Once I made up my mind I would take action I didn't waste time thinking about minor details. I knew that when the timing was perfect that it would come to me and the how's and whatever would easily follow through. 

It was the time of the year for us to get together and plan our annual vacation. Last year it was Kingston, Jamaica. We all had a blast on that trip (and it took me six months to pay it off of my Visa) and we were all in agreement that we escaped the island by the skin of our teeth. What had started out innocently enough, quickly took on a sinister and dangerous turn. But, I digress. We had decided to meet at my house for dinner, drinks and vacation planning. The day and time was set and I had made all of the arrangements to entertain the ladies in the style that we had all become accustomed to. I left the room where we'd all assembled to retrieve the serving trolley full of delicious treats for us from my kitchen.

There had been a nagging, pestering thought near the front of my mind for a couple of days before they were supposed to come over. It was a recent barrage of unkind remarks that I had been on the receiving end of, carelessly made by one of the girls to the other three. I wasn't supposed to have overheard them, but I did. As I've said earlier, I have been the recipient of their stupid remarks and the butt of their jokes for years, all supposedly made in "good fun cause you know we love you girl". Of course they all loved me and meant no harm when they'd been caught red handed. 

It had been said that I had an off-putting habit of trying too hard to please, and that sometimes my smiling face made me look ridiculous. I had an annoying way of always trying to be a goody two shoes and that didn't I know that I was too old to dress the way I did? And that I had been seen coming out of a consignment shop with shopping bags which obviously meant I'd made purchases there. If she can't afford to run with us, why does she keep trying? And for crying out loud, doesn't she know that hair color looks awful on her?

A different voice this time saying that they knew I had to borrow money to get by and should they offer to help pay for my vacation expenses? Another one asked why didn't I know that my furniture was badly coordinated and why for the love of roses didn't I buy a new car? They must have sensed my presence because I heard a distinctive "Shh" from the third one.

I had not meant to eavesdrop, but I had honestly left my phone in the living room and since it's charge was nearly gone, my intention was to get it and leave it on the charger in the kitchen. Innocent enough.I held my head up and kept my back straight, and pasted my "ridiculous" smile on my face as I re-entered the room. But the damage was done and in that instant I knew what I had to do. I felt the coldness close around my heart and squeeze it like a vise. I felt the nauseating disgust rise up in my throat, threatening to spill out of my mouth like a geyser, but I showed none of this and my poker face did me proud. The time would come and I'd show them.

There is no rewind button for real life where you can go back and take a closer look for clarity. There is no pause button either where you can suspend life until you're ready to live it better. It's only the now and the hereafter, and the latter will be too late. Too late for apologies,for make-ups and possibly too late for forgiveness. Satisfied for the moment that I'd avenge my broken heart, I smiled normally and wheeled the trolley in.They were none the wiser that someone had just cut her own throat.

What are your comments on this?
Many of us are suffering in silence from the pain of betrayal from friends and loved ones and broken friendships.  We tend to put our friends and loved ones in unrealistic places; never expecting that they would hurt us intentionally or not.We may chose to forgive and forget and move on; which is the healthiest and the best method, but for some of us its just not that simple. Of course the degree of the action is what determines how long and how fierce we may hold a grudge. A mind is fragile and its tensile strength varies from one individual to another. I'd like to include a link to a site that is dedicated to discussion and references for anyone who is truly experiencing any type of hurt and sadness and would appreciate some sound advice. Please visit this website.   http://www.HowToDrPrem.com

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