If Wanting Him is Wrong...(I Don't Want to be Right)

The event planning business that Alexis had struggled so diligently to build was recuperating quite nicely from the sudden tailspin it went in a few months ago. All of the publicity that was circulating in the atmosphere concerning socialite Debra Kay Charmaine, and the accusation and subsequent arrest of the young bride-to-be impacted Alexis's business in both a negative and a positive way. Alexis herself had reeled from the shock of being a witness for the prosecution against Debra Kay, and she had to actually close up shop for a few days until she could regain her bearings. After all, it isn't everyday that a person gets a call from one of her clients just hours before the nuptials confessing that she had just killed her groom.

After Alexis had recovered sufficiently to re-open the doors to her business, she discovered much to her delight, that her brief notoriety had made others seek her out. Her best friend Bonnie had laughingly told her that it was nothing like free publicity! One of her longtime friends Cassidy Willoughby had also become her 'unofficial' assistant. Callie (aka 'Delicious Diva') Bennett had been hired when Alexis opened the shop, and she had proven to be invaluable the entire time; even during the shop's temporary shut down. She was an enthusiastic, smart and very capable young woman.

Callie reminded Alexis of herself when she was that age. Fresh-faced, eager to learn, eager to work and determined to succeed. But recently with the influx of new clients, Alexis and her business manager had taken a second look, and decided it was a smart move to bring in another associate. Cassidy had found herself with a lot of "empty nest " time on her hands, so she volunteered and Alexis accepted her friend's gracious offer. Besides with a daughter in her freshman year of college, the extra money she'd be making would come in handy.

That was not all of the recent happenings where Alexis was concerned. A few weeks ago, she had received a Facebook friend request an a chat message from an old co-worker. It had been ages since they had worked together, and frankly she was surprised he even remembered her, when she got the friend request.  So when he started the chat sessions with her, they were nothing out of the ordinary in the beginning.

Then he became bolder and bolder as the sessions increased. He didn't miss a chance for contacting her whenever they happened to be online at the same time. After the first week , he asked for her phone number so that they could leave Facebook and begin texting each other. She agreed and the madness began.

His aggressiveness was both flattering and somewhat intimidating at the same time. His language was more than colorful when he described the things he wanted to do her. He also went into explicit detail about what he wanted from her as well. She couldn't be sure if he was really excited about her, or if he was simply a freak. Either way, she could not muster up the slightest bit of enthusiasm when it came to him, but she decided that she would play along just for fun. Little did she know that very soon the tables would turn on her!

His questions about her sex life were relentless, and then he started asking her to send photos of herself. All of this was coming from a married man who was at home at night with his wife in the same house. Alexis had to finally admit to herself that she was starting to get more than a little turned on. She was considering his proposal that they hook up. With each text conversation,she was being pulled further and further into this web of sexual desire and she felt herself sinking into a place where she'd swore never to return.

It had taken her years to climb out of that rat hole her past actions had put her in,and she had taken a personal vow not to ever fall into that pit again. The pure hell of living with regret, self recriminations and guilt had taken a huge toll on her in the past. When she got free...she cut all ties to that life.

Now here was this man who had awakened a dormant passion in her; a desire to be fulfilled as a woman again. She was seriously considering his invitation to join him in a sexual relationship. He had stated to her after they'd been communicating for about a month (nearly every single night for a couple of hours each) that he 'could not afford to get involved in an ongoing affair, but he definitely wanted to establish a purely physical hook up every now and then) and knowing this going in she was  still thinking about doing it.

How pathetic was she? Had the longing to be close to a man and be consumed by him taken over her rational thought?  What was she thinking; rather not thinking about? These and more questions plagued her yet they did not completely dissuade her from the idea. Rationale and conscience had not yet assuaged her. The score was now skewed in favor of satisfaction and she knew she was in over her head.

She had been alone for so very long! Her last relationship with Frank had not ended well and had left her brokenhearted and jaded. Oh sure...she had dated a few men since during the past two years, but never seriously and never had any of them gotten her so turned on. This new man (her very own Mr.X) was inside her head and was taking up all of the space previously used for common sense thinking and actions.

She wanted to be held. She wanted to be caressed and loved and share that intimacy with a man again. It had been too long, and she wanted it badly. And she wanted this man. She wanted him to take her and to possess her and make her his for whatever time they had together.

What was she to do? And was she truly prepared to pay the full price, counting the cost of this desire? When she paid, there would be no refunds and no turning back. It would have to be all...or nothing.

 Freefall

 

 

For more years than I care to count, I have had to chase away the darkness. Always trying to stay one step in front of it, and knowing that it was always there; lurking around every corner and hiding in every shadow of my mind. It was a constant reminder that my mind was fragile. A step or two from the edge. That I would never be able to let down my guard, for to do so would mean certain death.

I've heard that most seemingly sane people with seemingly healthy minds are only a thought away from being able to commit a heinous crime or inflict bodily harm on another person. But for the grace of God, we all go. Grace is a wonderful gift from God and he freely gives it way to us whether we are deserving of it or not. Its part of what makes him God. But in just the same way that we are perpetually close to crossing over an invisible line from sanity to psychological delusional behavior, then we are as easily susceptible to fall from that life sustaining grace.

I'm not entirely clear on the logistics of my crossover. The 'when' and the 'where' remain blurry in my mind, and right now I don't want a synopsis from any well-meaning family or friends, and I certainly don't want to hear any medical mumbo-jumbo from these idiot doctors who think they know me and presume to analyze my thoughts and...motives. Everyone considers me a freak, and want me to claim that I have a 'dual personality' or an alter ego, but why I ask? There is no other identity inside my head. There's only me. I am not crazy. Not anymore.

I was told that I could say I was insane and not responsible for my actions. Okay. Maybe I am a little insane, but I do take responsibility for my bad deeds, so that wouldn't fly...right? I mean I would have tried that defense before what happened when maybe I had planned to do something before I did it, but like I've been trying to explain to these idiots that I hadn't made any previous plans ...its that I seized the moment when it was right.

Nobody knows the real deal but me. Others may assume, presume, or whatever...but only I know what really went down the moment I turned the corner and right now I ain't talking. And no; I may not be too clear on the when and where, but one thing I am clear on is the why. Make no mistake; I know why. 

It was a slow but steady buildup of the small things, you know. Things like being ignored over here, and not included over there that kept piling on across time until a big ball of indifference had formed. That ball grew and grew and its sheer size caused it to roll forward gaining momentum, eventually crushing me like an emotional avalanche.

Because I simply could not take anymore from my friends. I'd had it up to and over my neck. It was mere foolishness on their part to push me. All these years and she didn't have a clue as to who I really was. None of them did. But they all smiled up in my face and hugged on me and pretended to include me in their bourgeois lives.  They said they loved me like a sister. Twenty-five years of lies and deceitfulness and the worst part of it all was the condescension and the two-faced pretense that I had allowed (probably out a desperate need to belong) to blind me to the reality of their toxic minds.

So, I didn't have the financial resources that the others did. I worked every day to make a living. The money I received from my divorce settlement had been used to finance my daughter's college education, both undergrad and post graduate degrees.I put her first and didn't mind going into the bank as the Manager of the Consumer Loans division every stinking day of my life five days a week to sit and listen to why other folks needed to borrow money. And to talk to them about the pathetic details of their pathetic lives.

My friends never asked me much about my work. No, they were too busy discussing their own lives of independent means. I never measured up completely to their standards of suburban  Mac Mansion living excellence, fancy cars and clothing allowances. I lived comfortably and was well dressed and all within my budget. I was able to vacation with them,go on shopping sprees and ladies nights out but they had no clue as to how I managed it. They took for granted I was just like them.

And the men! Always a new man in one of their beds. Men...men...men. And boozing it up going from one place to the other all the time. Hardly ever spending time with family. But they all had their reasons for their lifestyles, and I was determined not to judge until one night when I'd had the realization that I couldn't stand it another day. Somebody was going to pay for making me feel like a charity case. And out of the three of them; it didn't matter who. I was going in and taking no prisoners and let the collateral damage fall where it may.

I didn't have to plot or plan. Once I made up my mind I would take action I didn't waste time thinking about minor details. I knew that when the timing was perfect that it would come to me and the how's and whatever would easily follow through. 

It was the time of the year for us to get together and plan our annual vacation. Last year it was Kingston, Jamaica. We all had a blast on that trip (and it took me six months to pay it off of my Visa) and we were all in agreement that we escaped the island by the skin of our teeth. What had started out innocently enough, quickly took on a sinister and dangerous turn. But, I digress. We had decided to meet at my house for dinner, drinks and vacation planning. The day and time was set and I had made all of the arrangements to entertain the ladies in the style that we had all become accustomed to. I left the room where we'd all assembled to retrieve the serving trolley full of delicious treats for us from my kitchen.

There had been a nagging, pestering thought near the front of my mind for a couple of days before they were supposed to come over. It was a recent barrage of unkind remarks that I had been on the receiving end of, carelessly made by one of the girls to the other three. I wasn't supposed to have overheard them, but I did. As I've said earlier, I have been the recipient of their stupid remarks and the butt of their jokes for years, all supposedly made in "good fun cause you know we love you girl". Of course they all loved me and meant no harm when they'd been caught red handed. 

It had been said that I had an off-putting habit of trying too hard to please, and that sometimes my smiling face made me look ridiculous. I had an annoying way of always trying to be a goody two shoes and that didn't I know that I was too old to dress the way I did? And that I had been seen coming out of a consignment shop with shopping bags which obviously meant I'd made purchases there. If she can't afford to run with us, why does she keep trying? And for crying out loud, doesn't she know that hair color looks awful on her?

A different voice this time saying that they knew I had to borrow money to get by and should they offer to help pay for my vacation expenses? Another one asked why didn't I know that my furniture was badly coordinated and why for the love of roses didn't I buy a new car? They must have sensed my presence because I heard a distinctive "Shh" from the third one.

I had not meant to eavesdrop, but I had honestly left my phone in the living room and since it's charge was nearly gone, my intention was to get it and leave it on the charger in the kitchen. Innocent enough.I held my head up and kept my back straight, and pasted my "ridiculous" smile on my face as I re-entered the room. But the damage was done and in that instant I knew what I had to do. I felt the coldness close around my heart and squeeze it like a vise. I felt the nauseating disgust rise up in my throat, threatening to spill out of my mouth like a geyser, but I showed none of this and my poker face did me proud. The time would come and I'd show them.

There is no rewind button for real life where you can go back and take a closer look for clarity. There is no pause button either where you can suspend life until you're ready to live it better. It's only the now and the hereafter, and the latter will be too late. Too late for apologies,for make-ups and possibly too late for forgiveness. Satisfied for the moment that I'd avenge my broken heart, I smiled normally and wheeled the trolley in.They were none the wiser that someone had just cut her own throat.

What are your comments on this?

 

Many of us are suffering in silence from the pain of betrayal from friends and loved ones and broken friendships.  We tend to put our friends and loved ones in unrealistic places; never expecting that they would hurt us intentionally or not.We may chose to forgive and forget and move on; which is the healthiest and the best method, but for some of us its just not that simple. Of course the degree of the action is what determines how long and how fierce we may hold a grudge. A mind is fragile and its tensile strength varies from one individual to another.

When a Woman Loves a Man

 

 

Remember what it felt like to fall in love for the very first time? It was so special. It was mind blowing, earth shattering and exciting ecstasy. It was also a scary, stomach churning and nerve-wracking bittersweet misery. Being reminiscent of our first experience with falling in love, it was around age fifteen (on an average), and we probably experienced a falling in love episode at least every six months or so. We could fall in and out of love at breakneck speed, and each time we began the experience it was as if it was for the first time with all of the butterflies and the wonderment.

Those times were innocent in spite of the experimentation that we all did with certain activities involving the boys we were in love with. They were awkward, yet possessing a passion that was both tender and potent. Some boys were more knowledgeable than others, and they were often called “bad boys”. And didn’t every young girl (regardless of her social status, or her family background) secretly entertain thoughts and desires to be possessed by a bad boy? You know the type; arrogant high school delinquent who smoked and drank hard liquor, had no curfews, drove a fast car he had rebuilt with his own hands, and always had girls waiting in line to be with him.

As we grew older, we stopped falling in love as easily but no less passionately. We still have a hidden susceptibility to the attraction of a bad boy. Only now, he is older, better looking, more arrogant and self- possessed and has more money. He can afford to wine and dine us and make our hearts flutter in different and much more intimate ways that often border on the raucous. This man can manifest himself in our dreams, in our private moments and he can haunt us with his sullen ways that both attract and repel us.

What’s love got to do with it? Just about everything. Heart and soul, fire and desire, the willingness to overcome any obstacle to being with this man that may present itself, and a determination born of an almost desperate  desire to possess and be possessed. No mountain is too high to climb, no river is too wide to cross and no problem is too hard to solve if it tries to separate us from the man we love. We will disregard common sense, all practical reasoning, all objectivity and lose ourselves in the sheer moments of pleasure when we are with him.

Sometimes this kind of deep loving can cloud our perspectives and affect our judgment. We get ourselves into all kinds of trouble when we allow feelings to rule our entire life. Love is a beautiful thing; it is a normal human emotion. But it can be deadly to our emotional health and even physically if our minds become obsessed with an unnatural love. Many women have fallen prey to the dark side of love and have been victims of an abusive love. Many women have committed violent acts in the name of love because of a proprietary jealousy.

But it’s true that we give our all to a man when we love. Even if we’re not sure we will get what we give in return. Doesn’t matter, it’s all or nothing. Some of you may disagree with me, but that’s okay. You’re entitled to your opinion, but think about what you feel right now, or what you felt when you realized you were in love with someone. That someone can be your husband or your boyfriend, or someone from your past. You won’t have much difficulty thinking back to how you waited for a phone call, how distressed you became when he was late or didn’t show up at all with no explanation, or even worse…how you felt when you imagined him with someone else.

Love…is a many splendor thing, and it’s great when we can keep it that way; untarnished by jealousy, envy, mistrust or infidelity. But that won’t stop us from loving and it won’t stop us from giving.  The stakes are high and sometimes the odds are not in our favor but we are in it to win it…all or nothing with our hearts on fire.