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Friday, May 4, 2012

And the Envelope Please...

If there was an Academy Award for Outstanding Woman in Unreality In A Pseudo-Romantic Role it would go to me. If there was a Golden Globe category for Leading Lady For Fools Fall In Love I would be nominated and win hands down. If there was...oh okay so you get it right? I have not had the best of good fortune in my love life and ladies using the word "love" here is a misnomer if there ever was one. One of my best-worst love affairs was with a guy for which I had started out with high hopes for a great relationship. Let's call him Fletch.

He was tall, well built, and quite attractive altogether. But his physical appearance turned out to be his greatest selling point. What does that mean? Simply put; the man had a vacant lot in between his ears. His lights were on but nobody was home. When he opened his mouth to speak he was a perfect example of a short wired density that passed for human intelligence. I mean sometimes when the man spoke you could almost see the comic balloon over his head!

I was taken in by his flattery and by his attractiveness and mostly I was spurred on by the fact that this man could put an end to my dateless Saturday nights and be "my boyfriend" so that I could stop feeling left out. And I wouldn't have to spend all my nights alone anymore. The heart is a lonely hunter as so many of us have found out; sometimes at a very expensive price and that often (whether we want to face it or not) being alone is preferable to being with an idiot). Now that may too strong and too mean a descriptive word for him; "idiot", but there was no other conclusion to draw.

I tried to bring him into conversations about current events(what a mistake) and to discuss popular television show with him but he never knew the titles of any programs, movies or the station call letters so that was useless. Trying to talk about his interest in sports or other guy stuff, but he had no guy stuff. He didn't watch football or any televised sports and he didn't tinker or putter around on his days off. He slept on his days off and he didn't cook at his home anything that couldn't be nuked because he might fall asleep and forget the stove was on.

He did however know how to pour out the compliments and flattery and he did give a mean neck and shoulder massage. It's really a shame that I couldn' be satisfied with having him as my "trophy" guy and not care that he was not my intellectual equal, but hey...I must have a stronger connection with the person of interest in my life. After all, life is lived in more than one room in the house and sooner or later you just have to talk, and when you do it must be done intelligently.

I make no apologies for being who I am. Fletch did and said in equal amounts lots of mind-boggling stuff (in my opinion and whose else counts?) and we argued many, many times over it. He said I was always trying to make him look bad and make him feel stupid. I always said"If the shoe fits..." and invariably we'd always end up ...making up.

One day I decided I'd really had had enough and looked forward to breaking up with him with unbridled glee. After several attempts to reach him on the phone one day failed, I was not about to abandon my mission and before he could call it quits I was determined I would. So, I broke up with Fletch by voicemail. Yep, just told him I was kicking him to the curb. And I was so proud of myself! Whoopee! For about a week and then I took it back.

Needless to say we continued on our on -again-off-again merry go round for another six months and we did finally bid adieu to each other in a cordial way. The moral of this story is that we as women should never settle and that being alone does not mean being lonely. Learning to love ourselves and getting to know who we are means growing and showing a maturity we can only develop when we make the decision that our own self-respect, integrity and excellence does not come from who we are with but who we believe we are.

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