Emotions are here to stay. We've all got them and there is no escaping them. If we didn't have our emotions we would devoid of so many of the positive feelings we share; compassion, love, sympathy. But there is another realm of emotions that don't give us warm and fuzzy feelings, can destroy our relationships with others and can leave us empty, bitter and miserable both inside and out. Let's talk about one the deadliest and most damaging emotions of them all : JEALOUSY.
Now, I don't mean the kind of jealousy you feel when you look at a new designer dress your BFF has purchased and you "ooh and "ah" and gush over it. This is basically innocent because you are happy for your friend, you know she will look fabulous in this dress, and at any time you want to you can buy your own designer dress. No, I'm talking about the consuming, gut wrenching, frozen smile on your face, talking behind her back kind of jealousy that attacks us whenever we see someone else get something we want but don't have. This negative emotion can affect all aspects of our lives because when it's this strong, we can spend inordinate amounts of time and useless energy scheming on how we can "one-up" them, or reason to ourselves over why them and not me and we simply cannot bear to be around these people we have become so outrageously jealous of; at least not until we have obtained a prized status or object we can show off.
I lived with this type of jealousy and for years I felt justified in doing so. I found every reason in the book to support my jealousy, and every time something would trigger this ugly monster to rear his head, I would lose a bit of my soul. This monster side of me had no boundaries and it nearly destroyed what little spirit I had left inside. I would become jealous of anybody whether friend or foe, and a lot of my friends became foes to me because they had something I didn't think they deserved to have or couldn't reason ou them and not me.
I found it nearly impossible to be happy for anyone no matter what fortune they had been blessed with. Oh, I smiled (but it didn't reach my eyes), and pretended to be glad for them but rarely was this genuine. I felt isolated and alone because I didn't have a "plus one" in my life, I didn't drive a fancy car, I struggled with my finances (because I lived beyond my means, nobody's fault but my own), I didn't have a new house and I was not a size 12. I could go on, but you get my drift!
One day after an encounter with a close family member that actually turned out okay, but for the grace of God could have gone so very wrong, I slowly began to take self-inventory. I admitted that because of such out of control negativity in my life I would eventually end up alone for real alienating those whom I loved the most...my family.
So, what happened? I wish I could say that one day I magically became a new person. Well that didn't happen. I did become a new person and have learned the power behind controlling my emotions. I traveled a path that led to redemption over all of the negative emotions I let rule me, but I didn't do it by myself. Another story for another time! But the whole point is that women and men of all ages feel the same things, have desires of the heart, want to love and be loved, and we have to come to terms with our inner selves on how we can do this and do it successfully.
Emotions are legitimate and we can run but we can't hide from them. Negativity needs to be confronted and overcome, or it can slowly work its way into our lives, robbing us of time lost in the way we view ourselves and our reletionships. Take stock of what you are thinking and what you are feeling everyday. Change is possible and although it may not happen overnight, it will happen.
Happy Halloween everybody, and please watch out for those little ghosts and goblins out there! See you next time!